Merry Christmas, and Go Fuck Yourself
Everyone who knows me knows that this is my favourite time of year. It's a chance to avoid the family, and with the extra time, make people I don't know miserable. Now that I'm at the start of three off days ahead of the weekend, I have time to do what I like doing best: act the jolly asshole.
If I'm to have any success, I need a plan of action, one I'll share with you, so you can also spread holiday misery.
Never ending lines and unreasonable customers make retail workers an easy target to antagonize. One of my favourite games I like to play on this crowd is "Oh, I already have it."
Find an obscure item, something a store would be foolish to have more than one or two copies of, like Taylor Hicks new album, "Shit" (a great stocking stuffer for someone you hate).
With said item in hand, go to a stock clerk who looks overworked and tired, and ask him to find you a copy. If you're lucky, the stock clerk will wearily search for the item and actually find it. As soon as the clerk hands you the found item, show that you already have it. Then WALK AWAY.
While many clerks deserve to be abused, it's actually a duty to abuse many customers. One effective way is to play "I'm sorry. I thought this was the returns cart."
Find a customer, who looks easily annoyed, to follow around the store. When the customer moves away from her cart, grab something from it and walk away. Don't go too far, because you want to continue to remove items from the cart until you're caught. It's better if you can take something from the cart in short supply, like a Nintendo Wii or a Pope Benedict XVI bobble head.
When you're caught, if you're successful, the customer will be annoyed and angered. When she confronts you about grabbing items from her cart, coolly reply that you thought it was the returns cart. Then WALK AWAY.
In the spirit of giving, many people foolishly donate pocket change to charities during the holidays. But if these charities were in such need of money, they would steal it like the people who run MADD.
It's time to play "Fake Left, Turn Right."
Approach a hapless charity volunteer. She wants you to give money, but the only thing you should give are looks of disgust. But today, you won't give anything. You need to be convincing in your approach: make eye contact, and reach for your wallet. Get to a couple of feet from the volunteer, and make note of her hopeful smile. Pull out a bill or two, pause, and put the money back in your wallet. Then WALK AWAY.
These three games bring me loads of joy every holiday season. But remember to always punctuate your acts of Christmas cruelty with a wonderful, toothy smile. Just because your victims frown, doesn't mean you shouldn't show your joy.