Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Birthday Wishes

The Rules and Regulations Of

As faithful readers of this blog know, it will soon be my birthday. It's number something in the twenties, but the first in my Facebook Age. This of course means that I have printed a list of my Facebook "Friends" and will check each one off as he or she sends me birthday wishes via Facebook or e-mail or phone call or regular mail or by simply donating a portion of his or her paycheque to my PayPal account (e-mail for details).

Why am I going to check off each of my friends as they send me birthday wishes? Obvious: To make sure they're still my friends.

This is what social networking sites are about: they provide a convenient list of people who owe you two words once a year. Same date. Same sentiment. And if I don't get them, then those people automatically fall into my Bad Book, which doesn't exist but will after my birthday passes.

Oh, sure, you may say, "Mr. Czobit, isn't it unfair to expect all of your friends to wish you a happy birthday?" My response: "Yes, but fuck you." Simple.

And then you may say, "But Mr. Czobit, isn't a 'happy birthday' message on Facebook an empty sentiment? After all, everyone sees birthday reminders and usually mindlessly posts a pointless two-word message on your wall." My response: "Correct, but I live for empty sentiments, and I demand them every birthday. Oh, and fuck you."

I've set the rules and regulations for my birthday this year. Pay up with your well wishes or prepare to never call me a Facebook "Friend" again.

I know, I'm shaking at that threat, too.

--Czobit

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